A blessing of “Multiply!”

My friend, Like Him (LH), fell in love with a young man and 6 years ago, they got married. I, along with other friends and family, celebrated with them and fully expected that within months, we would be rejoicing again, welcoming their first child into the world.

A few weeks ago, they were, in her own words, privileged to spend two days with their pre-term son, until God decided to recall him.

But you should talk to LH…she has absolutely no doubt in her mind that God is good, that He is faithful. Though it appears like things are not working out, she is strong. I love her strength! I love her faith and I am grateful to God for the grace He has given her to wait on Him. I know that although things may not look the best right now, God had spoken certain things to her in the beginning…

In Genesis 1:26-31, we see how God created LH in His own image, we read the words He spoke to her and see that after He was done, He saw that everything was good. Notice how God created everything before He created LH, not because these things are more important than her, but because He wanted everything to be just right. For LH. Wow! What manner of love!

Genesis 1: 28 records the first words God spoke to LH:

And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth. (KJV).

All the translations of the Bible that I have read agree that among God’s first words to LH, there was something about having children…multiply…have a lot of children…increase in number…grow in number…reproduce…fill the earth…give birth.

One translation of the verse I particularly like was done by Leena Vincenz-Gavin as follows:

After seeing His children created so perfectly and so much like Him, He blessed them by saying unto them: Be fruitful; grow in your relationship with Me, Multiply; create a beautiful family, And have dominion over all creation by taking care of it the way I will always take care of you.

Genesis 1:28 is both a blessing and a command which along with the surrounding verses in Genesis 1, explains the purpose for which LH was created, and the obligations that LH has because of that purpose. One aspect of her purpose is to “create a beautiful family”.

God created LH in His image, after His likeness. All children of God, as unique and different as we all are, are all different manifestations of God. Wow! Then, through multiplication, God gave LH the gift to create children in her image (which is really His image)…LH is to create as He created. His plan is that parents experience their own creation of another being. But who better to experience the joy of creation than those that are like Him? After all, to truly create as He created, then one must be like Him. God’s work in creation is finished (See Genesis 2: 1-2), and so now He has handed the baton over to LH.

But there is more…

God created LH in His image, after His likeness, so that He could establish His Kingdom on the earth, just as it already existed in heaven. LH, created in God’s image, is to administer God’s Kingdom according to God’s design. The fact that mankind has populated the world, and rules over it does not translate into fulfilment of God’s desire. God’s desire is to extend His Kingdom, not just mankind's geographical spread. As long as mankind's expansion is not Godly, it is not an expansion of God's kingdom. Husbands and wives who come together without God at the centre cannot establish the Kingdom of God. A family that reflects God’s nature is the building block of His Kingdom here on earth. I know without a doubt that LH’s family will be that kind of family.

Therefore, I cannot but be confident that God will always ensure that the Godly continue to create Godly seed so that LH and all that are like Him will experience the joy He experienced at creation, and also that His Kingdom will be expanded here on earth. 

In the beginning, God spoke and brought order into the chaos that was the world before the Word. Now, I speak, over LH, and over every other person like Him who desires to experience the joy of creation and is eager to establish His Kingdom on this earth, a blessing: “Multiply!”

Maternal Instinct

I recently had a baby after a 7-year hiatus.

As soon as I found out we were expecting, I resolved to do everything within my power to deliver a healthy baby.

In the months I was pregnant, I did however spend alot of time thinking. I thought up answers to the questions I expected people would ask. I thought up rejoinders to the wise cracks and comments people would make. I planned how I would ensure there was enough personal space between me and people so as to discourage those who just have to touch a pregnant belly! Yes, I steeled myself for all eventualities.

Then there was the issue of the birth itself. How would I handle the pain? Would I know when I was in labour? I had been pregnant three times before this, but I thought that I had forgotten everything!

And closer and closer to the birth, I began to wonder how I would effectively care for Baby. How would I handle the sleepless nights? How would I rebalance the work-life scale now that a little baby was being brought into the mix? What would I do for child care? I tasked myself on so many points, it was just by His grace my blood pressure did not spike.

I put myself through all that simply because I did not trust my maternal instinct.

"Then the Lord formed the man from the dust of the ground. He breathed the breath of life into man's nostrils, and man became a living person." Genesis 2:7

We are not told that God breathed life into any animal that He created. But man is different because he is in the likeness of God. God imparted a bit of Himself into man and that is what gave man the power to have dominion. It gave man the intellect he needed to rule what God created. It also gave man the ability to create and destroy. So, provided we have the breath of God, His Spirit, within us, power is available to do all things. Know then, that if God gives you a task, He has already breathed into you, everything you need to carry out that task. The very ability had been breathed into you at the very moment when you were conceived in your mother’s womb.

As soon as Baby was born, everything that God had deposited within me to care for him kicked in. My bundle of joy had arrived and whether by my own estimation I was ready or not, I had to rise to the occasion. Baby is now 9 months old. I have been able, somehow, by His grace, to swing it. And if I may say so myself, I am doing rather well, after all, I am still holding down my marriage, my home, my job and various ministry activities. Thank God that all I needed, He had already supplied. All I had to do was dig down deep, fetch it, and run with it. And this is true for all God-given instincts.

But what is instinct? For our purpose, let’s go with a natural or innate impulse, inclination or tendency, aptitude or gift. So, you might have artistic, inventive, creative, entrepreneurial or any other type of instincts. Those instincts were deposited in you for a reason and they are key to your purpose in life - all that He has called you to be, you already are!

But instinct requires expression.  Our very survival as human beings requires the maternal instinct, but many of us have other instincts that we hide like the one talent that was buried in the ground (Matthew 25:14-30).

"The best thing is to follow your instincts without too much reflection." Albert Einstein.

Don’t over think it or as is said in business circles, you could suffer “paralysis by analysis.” Like Nike says, “Just do it!”

The expression of your instinct requires you to be ready to work at it, just like the gentlemen who were given five and two talents in the parable of the talents. They worked, and they improved their gifts. And it was to their own benefit. So also, you do stand to gain if you are prepared to do the work.

But back to the maternal instinct. I would like to appreciate all mothers who suffer, love, are patient, endure pain, and work for the good of their children. I celebrate your maternal instinct in this time when women abort, abuse, and neglect their own children. Your efforts shall never be in vain! God bless you all!

P.S.: This blog was written two months ago, during Mother's day weekend in Nigeria. It is featured in the April 2015 edition of Effectual Magazine. Please click here and be inspired!

To Board or not to Board

 

My oldest daughter went back to school over the past weekend. 

You could have heard a pin drop in my house Saturday night. I don’t know who took it hardest…me, or her immediate younger sister. We were competing for whose face was longer.

Let me first of all say that I am not the biggest fan of boarding schools.

Those of us who are not overwhelmed by the advantages of boarding school seem to be a minority, at least in my little corner of the world. When I tell people I don't like boarding schools they look at me funny; like I just dropped from a hitherto unknown planet.

Then they tell me how boarding schools help children become more independent, mature, social, respectful. My response is typically that it is my duty to teach my child to be all these and I can do that while he or she is under my roof and I see him everyday.

Then comes the accusation: but you will spoil the child! Then I respond that I am quite firm in child upbringing. For example, in our house, there's no TV during the week - it is reserved for weekends, and even then, it is not guaranteed, all homework must have been done and mummy or daddy must approve before the TV is even switched on. In addition, my children are taught to pick up after themselves, assist with housework and contribute to the care of their younger siblings.

Then comes the question: did you go to boarding house? And the answer is yes, but only for two years, in forms 5 and 6. The response is always the same: “Ehen, that's why you don't want your children to go to boarding house, because you did not go yourself. Two years alone don’t count!”

*Note to self: You deserve that! From now on, keep that extra bit of information to yourself. There is no need to help other people make their own point!*

I am not here to slam boarding schools. They have both advantages and disadvantages, like everything else in life. Please read two educationists argue day versus boarding on the Independent School Parent Association website. They do a pretty good job of laying both sides of the argument on the table. They focus on the United Kingdom, but the concepts are universal. Please read whether you are undecided, or simply need more justification for your own side of the argument.

The main reason why I am on my side of the boarding school argument is that the children will leave home soon enough, typically, when they go off to university, so why send them away now? Sometimes, we parents find it difficult to let our children go, that is true, but I’m not talking about an adult going off to live his/her own life here…

As parents, we are enjoined to train up a child in the way he should go, (so that) even when he is old he will not depart from it. (Proverbs 22:6).

Before I let my child go, I’d like to be sure that I have trained him or her to live for God.

A person that lives for God:

• has experienced salvation, so I might ask, is the child born again?
• holds to Biblical morality. Does the child know right from wrong?.
• has holy habits. Has the child developed the disciplines of prayer, Bible reading and worship?
• defends the faith. Can the child articulate what he/she believes, and why?
• handles life’s hurts. Does the child trust in God’s wisdom, power, and goodness in spite of the challenges of life?

It is a huge responsibility to achieve this for anyone, within any time frame (for example, I know many adults who cannot elucidate why they believe what they say they believe), and it is an even greater responsibility to do it before a child leaves home while still a child! Over and over and over the Bible teaches that it is the responsibility of the parents to build Biblical principles into the lives of their children. Churches and schools could help, true, but the final burden of responsibility rests on my shoulders, the shoulders of a parent.

So, while do not like boarding schools, I am not here to tell you they are right or wrong. I simply would like you not to presume that your child must go to one because everyone else is sending their children. Please make sure it is right for you and yours. Please make sure you have done all you can to teach your child to live for God wherever he or she is, without any external prompting.

And for those of you wondering why my daughter is in a boarding school if I don’t like them… chalk it up to the compromises we make in this institution called marriage.

Lessons from “The Jungle Book”

In the Disney animated movie "The Jungle Book," a panther finds an abandoned baby and takes him to a mother wolf who raises him along with her own cubs. The boy, Mowgli, spends 10 years in the jungle as a member of the wolf pack. However, a tiger with a known hatred of man is spotted in the jungle and the wolf pack decides to send Mowgli away to a man-village for his own protection. The panther, Bagheera, volunteers to escort a resistant Mowgli there.

Over the course of the movie, Mowgli forges a number of relationships. He befriends a baby elephant who dreams of taking over from his dad as the leader of the jungle patrol. He meets a bear who promises to raise him so he does not have to leave the jungle. He also encounters a snake who wishes to eat him and the tiger who wishes to kill him. There is an orangutan who promises to help him stay in the jungle provided he teaches him how to make man's fire. He also meets vultures who accept him in their midst as a fellow outcast.

The panther, Bagheera is able to convince the bear, Baloo, why Mowgli must leave the jungle, and both of them work together to get him to the edge of the man-village. There, Mowgli is entranced by a young girl who is fetching water from a stream and he eventually follows her into the man-village.

At last! Mowgli is where he is supposed to be! He had never before seen a fellow man (or woman) and yet he instantly identified with the young girl and instantly abandoned the known for the unknown.

For 10 years, he had been limited by his relationships, but finally, instinct won out. He is man. He was never wolf.  He may have acted like wolf, but his DNA was that of man - always was, always would be.

From Mowgli ' s story to mine…

I wrote my first book at age 10 (my mother still shows anyone who cares to see it). I wrote another in my late teenage years (that one unfortunately is lost simply because I did not give it to my mother. Lesson: trust mum!) I did not write again for many years. Throughout those years, my creative side was under wraps because the relationships around me focused on intellect and not creativity. There was no time for “flights of fancy” while I was pursuing a degree, neither was there time to write as I settled into my first job! Many years later, I started to write again and now I am writing for an enlarged audience simply because of the relationships I am blessed to have forged more recently.

Now, regardless of the circumstances of your birth or the environment within which you find yourself, you are still you.

The very essence of who you are, your giftings, your talents, your creative instincts, cannot be changed by your environment, neither can it be changed by your relationships.  However, your environment and relationships have the potential to help or to hinder you in your journey of self discovery. I could not help but notice how practically everyone, except Mowgli himself, seemed very aware of the fact that he was different and did not belong in the jungle. 

It is critical that we are careful with whom we form relationships. Mowgli was limited by his relationships until the right relationships came along that brought the real him out into the open. Are your relationships perhaps limiting you too?

You will only ever be as great as the people you surround yourself with. 

Do not be misled: "Bad company corrupts good character." 1 Corinthians 15:33

Bad company is able to corrupt even a talented person. Chances are, the people around you want to maintain the status quo in your relationship dynamics. They do not want the relationship to change. Since they cannot see what you see, they try to convince you that there is nothing where you are going. 

Be brave and let go of those who make fun of that thing you love, that thing that makes you smile, that thing that you feel passionate about, that thing that God deposited in you, that thing that is key to fulfilling your destiny. Remember Abraham separated from Lot.

In addition, actively seek out relationships that will help you fine-tune your talents. When you begin to fulfill your destiny, you will be glad you did.

P.S.: This blog is featured in the relationship column of the April 2015 edition of Effectual Magazine. Please click here and be inspired!

Say No to Hate!

Yikes!

In the last few weeks, I have witnessed depths of hate poured out on social media. It has to be said, the Nigerian elections have brought out the meanest, most vicious parts of many people I know, and quite a number that I do not know. It has been really sickening to see people turn on each other. Whether people know each other or not, numerous social media sites have been turned into platforms upon which to vilify each other. I am not going to attempt to quantify that amount of vitriol that has been poured on people over these past few weeks, but suffice it to say that it is much too much!

And why? Why this hate frenzy?

It is because we are on opposite sides of the fence, opposite sides of the tracks. It is because we do not see things the same way, because we have different opinions and beliefs, because we have different candidates for political office.

I say again, Yikes!

For those of us that are Christians, we might need reminding that in the fullness of time, we will give account of every word that we speak on this side of eternity (Matthew 12:36). We might also need to hear the Lord saying “Don’t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. As my servant, you must not be quarrelsome but must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful.” (2 Timothy 2:23-24). We might need to revisit the admonition in the Word not to use the same tongue that we praise our Lord and Father to curse our fellow human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? (James 3:9-10)

We are salt and light (Matthew 5:13-16). Salt must remain pure to do its job. Getting low down and dirty with the 'opposition' is not remaining pure, it is allowing the salt to get contaminated and the scripture says that contaminated salt is good for nothing. Please hear me, I am not saying shirk your responsibility to stand for the truth just for the sake of keeping the peace. To know the truth and fail to stand for it, Jesus says, is as senseless as lighting a lamp and putting it under a basket. We have a responsibility to be proactive in society and address issues, but we must remain within the confines of what God’s word allows. No matter how strongly you feel about a topic, do not let fleshly desire overrule good sense...

'Being salt and light in this age means contending responsibly for godly standards wherever they are under assault,' Tom Minnery writes in Why You Can’t Stay Silent: A Biblical Mandate to Shape Our Culture. The emphasis on the word responsibly is mine. We have to go about our contending responsibly.

Meanwhile, as we canvass so diligently for our candidates, throwing absolutes around like confetti at a wedding, we might want to ask ourselves how well we really know them. I mean, really. Politics is tricky business...  whether we want to accept it or not, our candidate might really be in it for fame, money, power, and self-aggrandizement. Is it really worth it to get into virtual fisticuffs for this person?

Okay, I hear you, die-hard believer, you are 100% sure of his motives. Fantastic. You are right and the other party is wrong, you are 101% sure of it. Great. The Bible still has some advice for you. Proverbs 26:4 says, do not answer a fool according to his folly, or you yourself will be just like him. In my words, put your stand out there, but do not lower yourself to the other guy’s level. If he begins to sling mud and disparage your person, do not get in the ring with him. Don't use the same language as the fool does or you will be like him. Don’t meet him at his level. Stay way ahead of him, well above him. Just disagree without being disagreeable. That’s wisdom. That’s what is required of us.

In a matter of days, elections will be history, but many relationships will be broken irreparably. Many who have been ‘unfriended’ will never again be friends. Many others have poisoned minds and hearts of people who they have never met but who they might have otherwise influenced for good...and for God.

So, this is my appeal...say no to hate, both on and off social media. Enough of the name-calling, pettiness and insults. By all means, stand for the truth. Put it out there. But be prepared for people to disagree...they are going to anyway.

When he thinks he defines you...

This is an article I wrote for Woman Cry Out, a fantastic ministry that I am blessed to be a part of. It is written under the Sister to Sister column and so naturally is addressed to the ladies. Even if you are not a lady, please read on, maybe you know someone who needs to hear this...

Dealing with emotional abuse.

Domestic violence has become an issue in church now, shocking but true. Many women are suffering all manner of abuse within their marriages.  

Emotional (or verbal) abuse is said to be the most common form partly because there are no visible signs of the abuse. It manifests in many forms. Name-calling - continually calling a wife ‘stupid’ because a husband believes she is not as intelligent as he is, ‘clumsy’ because she is not coordinated, ‘dirty’, because she has challenges maintaining a spotless house, ‘ugly’ or ‘fat’ because she has gained weight, or even ‘worthless’. Ordering is another form of emotional abuse where a husband gives orders instead of making requests, thereby treating his wife like a slave or subordinate. A husband could also be accusing and blaming, constantly accusing his wife of some wrongdoing or breach of some agreement or finding her responsible for every misfortune to come his way. Threatening occurs when a husband manipulates his wife by bringing up her biggest fears, perhaps threatening to get a divorce.

Other more subtle forms of emotional abuse include withholding where a husband refuses to listen to his wife, withholds information and feelings; countering, where a wife is not allowed to have her own thoughts and her husband is constantly countering and correcting everything she says and does. Alternatively, he could allow her have her own thoughts, but judges and criticizes everything thereby expressing a lack of acceptance of her individuality. He could also block and divert, refusing to communicate, or insisting on solely establishing what can be discussed. He could also trivialise all her hopes, dreams, desires or achievements, making them appear insignificant. Emotional abuse may also involve consistently forgetting promises made.

Perhaps what makes emotional abuse so dangerous is denial. Sometimes abuse is disguised as jokes, but these ‘jokes’ are really designed to hurt and diminish self-worth. A typical emotionally abusive husband will insist that he is not abusive, after all, he is a good father, faithful husband, does not take alcohol or drugs, provides for his family, has never harmed his wife physically and is a firm believer in Jesus – possibly active in church, a worker, a minister, a pastor.

I have heard someone ask "Why would a husband treat his wife like that? She must be doing something to provoke it."

This is indicative of what many wives face. The society and even the church are quick to justify the abusive behavior you may be receiving. But I have to ask, my sister, are you doing anything to provoke your husband’s abusive behaviour? If you are, while it does not justify the abuse, by all means work on it. Perhaps you need to learn to speak more respectfully, or perhaps find the right time to bring up issues. Maybe you do not listen to his views so he feels compelled to shut you down when you attempt to express yours; maybe you need to lose a bit of weight...Ask God to show you what part you need to play in the recovery process.

Secondly, be assured of God’s love, His presence, and His willingness to sort you out. Psalm 34:18 tells us the LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Your self esteem and confidence may have suffered, but God is right there to pick you up.

Thirdly, realise that although part of your identity is being a wife, that is not all you are, it is not even your primary identification – even before you were your husband’s, you were (and still are, by His grace) God’s.

Fourth, you need to latch unto a biblical view of marriage. Marriage is a couple’s covenant with God to love and honour one another. Both men and women are called to submit to God first and then to each other (Eph. 5:21-33) - wives are to submit to their husbands and husbands are to submit to Christ. Submitting to Christ means that husbands do not have the authority to rule as they desire, no matter what the society expects or you have been taught! Submitting to Christ means that the ultimate authority in your household is Jesus. Yes you are to submit to your husband as the head of the home, but know that you are equal to him in dignity and deserve to be treated with love and respect. Do not let him define you by calling you names. Jesus has done that already. You are His Pearl of Great Price (Matthew 13:44-46). Do not let him cage you, belittle you or diminish your worth. Jesus is interested in you flourishing, standing graceful and tall and attaining your full potential (Psalm 92:12). Do not buy into a distorted view of marriage. Jesus places a high value on you - you are not worth any less than your husband.

Lastly, please note that you have to confront your abuser. Too many wives shy away from confrontation, forgetting that it is a biblical principle. Jesus taught this in Matthew 18:15-20. Where an abusive man is not held accountable, those around him become enablers, indirectly supporting him. Can you get your husband to read this article with you? Respectfully let him know the areas you have suffered emotionally all the while prayerfully asking God for wisdom and for words to speak. Depending on the outcome of your discussion, you may need to escalate by seeking help from a pastor or counsellor and perhaps other godly men and women who can lovingly confront him in an attempt to break through his denial and restore him with a spirit of gentleness (Galatians 6:1).

In closing, I need to sound a note of warning. Emotional abuse usually escalates, increasing in intensity, frequency, and variety, ultimately into physical abuse. You have to start the recovery process NOW...do not wait for things to get worse.

And always remember...the Lord is your strength.

Life-life Balance

Work rarely features on 

my weekends – it’s just me, family, friends and ministry. Every Friday evening, I go to sleep with a smile on my face because I know I am not going to work the next day…

This past Friday, however, I did not have that smile on my face because my perfectly laid plans for the weekend had already unraveled.

I had planned a huge chunk of “me time” for my Saturday. I was going hear the word, fellowship with sisters, and pray. It had been determined well in advance and I was looking forward to it! But sometime during the week, the girls had reminded me that Saturday was fun fair at school. Panic! Not Saturday! I have plans for Saturday! And then the deluge began…I received a notification for the PTA meeting for my eldest daughter’s school, same Saturday. Then I remembered that we had received an invitation to a friend's son's birthday party, same Saturday. What! All in one day! And let’s not forget that the girls usually have a home tutor come over for two hours on Saturday as well. Something had to give, so, leading up to Friday, I had already figured out that we could only do so much in one day. I cancelled the home tutor and made plans for the girls to be at their fun fair with adult supervision. We would have to miss the birthday party and the PTA meeting, but the girls were happy and I was happy. That is, until a family emergency scuttled my plans to get the girls to school!

On Friday evening, I realized that the only way the girls were going to get to school was if I took them myself. It was a choice to either do something for me or something for them. So began the discussion within me…

My first responsibility is to myself. I need to be healthy, put together,connected to my Saviour. I need to invest in myself because I cannot give what I do not have. I need time to relax, reload, refire. God “rested” on the 7th day of creation, so also, I need rest from my labours. God has designed for us to “get away” from time to time, so that we can be refreshed either by others or just by being alone. That is why Jesus regularly took time away from people, including his disciples. Me-time is essential time! So perhaps the girls need to sit this fun fair out. Perhaps they have to stay at home…But I have to consider their interests as well…

The truth of the matter is that I was seriously conflicted. If I had someone else to take them to school, I probably would not have given it a second thought, but the fact that the plans had fallen through made me think deeply about balance.

While trying to maintain a work-life balance, there is a balancing act to be done in the life segment as well. Depending on how much of a social butterfly one is, one will typically have a lot to fit into a weekend, and some days, it appears like everyone wants a piece of our time. Sometimes, to be able to meet up with all these obligations, it is our time with the people that really matter that suffers. We definitely need to do other things, meet with other people, have a life, but we need to purposefully evaluate our choices and always ensure we have made enough room for the really important things.

In the end, I had to consider the fact that the week before, I had cancelled some “us-time” because weekend plans had changed (as they seem to be doing a lot of lately). The week before,  I had chosen to preserve my “me-time”. I decided it was not advisable to do it a second consecutive time.

So, I changed my plans and took them to their fun fair. I also took time to explain to them that although Mummy had made plans to go out, she had changed the plans because she needed to balance important aspects of her life.

I’m happy I went with the “us-time”. Spending the time with them allowed us to interact and also afforded us opportunities to laugh together and to talk. The girls had a fantastic day. It ended up being a win-win because I had fun too. The icing on the cake - we won second and third prizes at the raffle draw, so, yes, it was a good day!