Excess Baggage

Recently, a friend had reason to vent to me concerning treatment she had received from a mutual acquaintance, Lady X. Lady X was known to be particularly badly behaved. She tended not to respect people who she felt she was better than and would not even respond to greetings from a particular class of people. My friend routinely provided a service to her and was routinely snubbed, disrespected, spoken to rudely and put in her place by Lady X. My friend had tried to get some of her other clients who were also friends of Lady X to talk to her but had been asked to excuse the behaviour because Lady X was “going through stuff.”

That comment got me thinking, does going through stuff excuse bad behavior?

Sometime ago, my family moved house. I put off packing till the absolute last minute because I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of “stuff” we had accumulated over the 10 years we had lived there. It was a five-bedroom house, and we had acquired things to fill it up. There was even one room that started out as a study but ended up as a storage room for unused items. It took two people, one full day to empty that one room out! Ahghh! It was no fun at all! The impending move meant that we had to take stock of our “stuff.” We were moving into a smaller house so there was no luxury of an entire room dedicated to things we had nowhere else to shove! As we took stock, we found many things that we had held on to and yet not used in many years. Some items had never even been opened. Some other items had been lying there, unused and yet I had gone out and bought similar items when the need arose, completely oblivious to the fact that I had, in my own house, something that could have done the job!

Although the fact that we had excess baggage was revealed and possibly magnified by the pressure of moving, moving was not the cause of the excess baggage.

So, to come back to the issue at hand, going through stuff does not excuse bad behaviour. I think Lady X’s character just leaves a lot to be desired, period. If she was ‘nicer’ when things were going well, then she had been living behind a façade. A person’s true character doesn’t show until something comes along that causes him or her to forget about maintaining the façade. It has been said that crises do not develop character, but crises reveal character. When the pressure is on, who you are, who you really are, along with all your excess baggage, is revealed.

I suspect that over time, Lady X had acquired airs. Perhaps she had always felt certain people were not her class and actually would have liked to put them in their place. But since “things” were going well, she could afford to be magnanimous in her dealings with them. Now, “things” were not going well, so magnanimity had been thrown out the window…

I am not belittling whatever stuff she is going through but I think we 

all owe people simple courtesies. And anyway, everyone is going through something…just ask people, you’ll be shocked the load the man or woman next to you is carrying! Abi, you, are you not going through something?

In Phillipians 2:3, the Bible says:  Let nothing be done through strife or vain glory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than themselves.

If we esteem others better than ourselves, we will be courteous. If we are striving to live in accordance with God’s will, we will be courteous. A God-fearing person will naturally be courteous.

So please, regardless of what you are going through, simple courtesies will not kill you. Be kind. Be respectful. Greet. Respond to greetings. Say please. Say thank you. Smile. They cost nothing but they do make the world a better place.

And by all means, take stock of your houses. Perhaps you have acquired things you don't need (whether by purchasing them or by receiving them as gifts). Please give out anything that is currently not adding value to your life - it could be stuff you have not used in six months, it could be a year, but instead of having it lie useless in your house, give it out so someone else can benefit from it.

Still on finances!

After I posted my first blog on finances, When Tables are Turned, I got a number of comments sent to me directly. A friend said “I feel that many women in the situation you mentioned may feel encouraged by the verses but also judged after reading the piece. Staying in the US and knowing how challenging it can be here and then putting myself in the woman’s shoes (I know many people in her situation too) I will like someone to encourage me but first, I will like to feel like the writer knows how I feel; empathize with me… It’s a very serious topic. A lot of our ladies are caught up in the dilemma and they need encouragement and guidance.”

To this, I responded that it was never my intention to judge anyone. I was just trying to let ladies out there know that we have to do our bit to help our men out. I know a lot of ladies are carrying the weight of providing for their households and I pray their husbands realize that they still have a responsibility, even if they have wives who are “happy” to hold the fort until they find their feet.

A big sister summarized in an email she sent: “Yes, she should not stop mid way, but there is an order that God had ordained for the home from the foundations of the earth.  While no wife should abandon her hubby in trying times, she also has the responsibility to submissively lead him out of that hole. It is unacceptable even for God for a man not to be alive to charting the course for his household and that includes providing for them.  This in my opinion is divine order.  However, I have also seen situations where the woman took over the responsibilities because what the man could afford was not good enough for her.  In the end, this is about ensuring that our men remain MEN in God's sight.  No, Lazyboy should get off his *tush* and get a job. Even if it is the most meager, God honours the effort.” Thank you, Sister B.

And then this week, I came across a teaching Pastor Taiwo Odukoya of the Fountain of Life did called The Thorny Issue of Finances. Indeed finances in marriage are a very thorny issue. I can only hope that as more is shared and taught on the subject, things will get better.

Still on this issue of finances, I have a little something to say on the joint account or no joint account debate which continues to rage, particularly in Christian settings.

Do my husband and I have a joint account? Yes we do. But the account is quite inactive. It is almost always empty. In reality, my husband has his accounts and I have mine.

In our household, I’m the Finance Director (FD) and my husband is the Managing Director (MD). I’m responsible for the accounting, financial planning, modelling and budgeting in accordance with policy determined by our three-man Board. The MD implements policy formulated by our board and Board meetings are held as often as the need arises. Although I have voting rights, the MD has veto power and so when deliberations with the MD leave me feeling aggrieved,  I approach our Chairman directly.

How does this work in practice? We can both authorise transactions as long as the transactions are within approved budget. Budgets are jointly approved; no budget, no spend. It’s really that simple.

It would be great if I could say that we sat down in the beginning and planned that we would manage our finances this way, but I cannot. It just evolved over the years. One reason we find this model works for us is because it plays to our strengths. I’m the planner, the one who needs to put things in place well in advance of the need; the risk avoider, the one who will search for and remove all uncertainties along the path; the doubter, who looks for the catch in every “opportunity.” My husband is the risk taker, always eager to jump to the next project; the visionary, seeing the way the finished product will look; the dreamer, the one with his head stuck in the clouds. We complement each other. Over time, we have been able to identify our strengths and we use them to our advantage, submitting ourselves one to another in the fear of God. (Ephesians 5:21).  

So, in my opinion, the argument of joint account or no joint account completely misses the point. The point is trust. Where there is trust, a husband and a wife can figure out what works for them. Where there is no trust, suspicion will drive a wedge between husband and wife and that wedge, no joint account can fix.

Do you keep a Gratitude Journal?

In case you have never heard the term before, Wikipedia says “a gratitude journal is a diary of things for which one is grateful. Gratitude journals are used by individuals who wish to focus their attention on the positive things in their lives.”

Wikipedia continues, “gratitude, the feeling of appreciation or thanks, has gained a lot of attention in the field of positive psychology.” I am no expert in ‘positive psychology’ but if you are new to the concept of a Gratitude Journal, let me be the first to share with you how much of a good thing it is to keep a record of all the things you are grateful for.

My experience with a gratitude journal started many years ago. In church, our Pastor would ask us to write our prayers and requests down so that when the answers came, we would be able to see how God had answered them. He would emphasise that we were to honour God by writing them in a notebook, and not on a scrap piece of paper. So, my Prayer Journal started in that notebook, with long letters that I wrote to God. Once in a while, I would review my prayers and I began to see how God was answering them. Then I began to write prayers of thanksgiving as well, and that is when, for me, my Prayer Journal actually became a Gratitude Journal. Each time I had cause to write down a prayer, I had faith that I would soon be back to write its complementary prayer of thanksgiving.

Over the years, I have seen how God has answered prayer upon specific prayer. There have been many things that I asked for and then moved on. I would come one day, review my journal, and then realise that my answer had come a long time ago and I had taken it for granted and never bothered to thank God. I have also experienced God surpassing expectations many times, upgrading the specifications when He delivered the answer, usually giving me a version 5.0 for the version 1.0 that I had asked for.

Now, I wish I could say categorically that all my prayers have been answered. But I can’t and honestly, I don’t know anyone who can make that claim. In my gratitude journal, there were lines I would just skip; letters I would actually begin to cry when I reviewed; pages that would make me ask God, “What happened to ask and you shall receive?” Those lines, those letters, those pages, they represent the prayers that are yet to be answered, struggles I am still having, things I wish were in or in some cases, out, of my life.

And then one day, it hit me. I was missing the point! Wallowing in self pity because of unanswered prayers was exactly where the enemy of my soul wanted me to be; he wanted me to dwell on what had not gone my way so I would be bitter and I would begin to wonder if indeed God is interested in the details of my life.

And so I switched my attitude. I stopped skipping those lines, or ignoring pages I did not like, and I stopped questioning God. I decided that when I review my journal, I will not only thank Him for the prayers He has answered, I will thank Him, period! Those requests, they are His to answer. It was an entitlement mentality that made me feel He owed me! A person has an entitlement mentality when he believes that privileges are rights, and that the privileges are expected as a matter of course. Even if God does not do another thing for me, there is more than enough to be grateful for!

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. (Phillipians 4:6, NIV)

Once I changed my attitude, I discovered that the gratitude journal is a fantastic tool for building up faith for new things – if He did it before, He will do it again! Delay is not denial!

And the LORD answered me, and said, Write the vision, and make it plain upon tables, that he may run that readeth it. For the vision is yet for an appointed time, but at the end it shall speak, and not lie: though it tarry, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry. (Habakkuk 2:2-3, KJV)

I started out keeping my gratitude journal with paper and pen, and then as phones got smart, I moved to an app. Get a gratitude journal (app) today. One day, you will come back to thank me. I guaranty it!

Memorable Weddings

Nigerian weddings are all about how much bang (read glitz and glamour) you can get for your buck. Many couples want a wedding that will be the talk of the town! They want to wow and dazzle. They want to push the envelope and do something new, something creative, something that will set the event apart from every other wedding. They want a wedding people will remember for a long time. They want a memorable wedding.

And I’m all for that. It is, after all, a once in a life time occasion, a day that is all about you, perhaps even the one day everyone is falling over themselves to make you happy. So, why not have that wedding of your dreams?  

I have enjoyed many weddings. I have seen stuff at weddings that have caused me to go 'awwww', to smile and to thank God for young love. My favourite thing is usually the couple's dance. I have watched couples salsa, samba, slow dance, and even have a dance-off!  I have seen some couples present well choreographed pieces that obviously took a lot a time and effort to put together. I have seen what I call “dance offerings” usually presented by the groom to the bride.

But here’s the thing, over the years, I have begun to “awwww” less and wonder more. I wonder...

Are their priorities in the right place?

There is too much emphasis being placed on weddings and too little on marriages. Wedding planners are sometimes contracted months before the wedding and extensive rehearsals are done for the ceremony. Many grooms practice their vote of thanks to make it just the right length with just the right amount of humour. Many brides will have fitting session upon fitting session to ensure the dress fits just right. But not many people care about marriage classes. Given a choice, most couples would not attend classes and so many churches have had to make them compulsory. Even then, I have had couples call off a marriage class because they had to do take care of something for the wedding. I am yet to see a couple have marriage classes if they are not getting married in church but having only a civil ceremony. Can we get our priorities right, people? Planning for the wedding makes for a great day, but marriage classes make for a great life! Perhaps marriage licenses should only be issued to people who have been trained; afterall, you are issued a licence only after you have been trained as a lawyer, or a driver, for instance.

Who are they doing it all for?

Themselves? Or their guests? My wedding was the greatest…at least until someone did something newer and more fun and more exciting and everyone forgot all about mine. Don’t put yourselves out just so you can be the flavour of the moment. Face the facts, no matter what you do, people will eventually forget! Whatever you do, do it for yourselves, make yourselves happy. You cannot make everyone happy.

Are they going to be okay tomorrow?

Someone came to borrow money from me once to fund his wedding. It was all I could do not to throw him out. In this part of the world, people will give cash gifts to couples planning their wedding. I find that people now actually plan for these gifts and blow it all at the wedding! Why have a fantastic day and then begin to pinch and scrape or drink garri after the wedding?

Coming back home, a number of things made our wedding memorable. First, I wore silver, not white, not ivory, not cream, silver. Why? Just because. Next, our Master of Ceremonies (MC) was a professional comedian. In addition, our wedding featured a choreographed dance by our teen church. Now, let me establish some context, our wedding was in 2002 and I can honestly say that before our wedding, these things were not at all common. I had never seen anyone wear silver. Then, we were scared stiff that the comedian would mess up our day because it was usually a friend or family member who understood the family setup that would be MC. To keep the comedian in line, we only paid half his fee in advance and threatened we would not pay the rest if he embarrassed us in any way! He ended up being the single thing people remember most about the day. The teenagers’ choreography was actually a surprise love offering and I am still loving them for that (muah to any of you reading!). There were many other things I wanted to do but we could not afford it. It will always be memorable for me, no matter what anyone thinks. But if I had to choose between a memorable wedding or a memorable marriage, I think it’s clear which would be my preference.

Thank God, however, that they are not mutually exclusive.

When the tables are turned

There was once this lady who was the sole breadwinner for her household. Her husband had lost his job, apparently had wiped out his savings, and appeared to have become comfortable with his wife bearing the entire burden of the household and so was doing nothing to find another job. The lady was tired, angry, resentful and seeking counsel.

Here is the gist of what I said:

From the beginning, God created man and woman differently. God created Adam to work and keep the garden (Genesis 2:15) and created Eve to be Adam's helper (Genesis 2:18). So a married woman is to help her husband achieve the task God created him to achieve and this includes helping him work and keep the garden. So, while the man of the house is expected to provide for his household, a godly wife should  do all within her power to help him.  This might entail working at home, or it might be by working outside the home (in Proverbs 31:16, the virtuous woman considers a field, buys it and plants a vineyard; even if that field was right next door, it was still outside her house!)

 After Adam and Eve sinned, God cursed them. For Adam, He cursed his calling to provide for his family...cursed be the ground for your sake (Genesis 3:17). So, in this fallen world that we live in, there will always be something challenging your man's ability to provide for his household. He will have to work harder, longer, just to provide. The demands on him will continue to increase. Ask even the most "successful" men if it gets any easier. The answer invariably is no - the reward for good work is more work. In some cases, the man's very ability to provide will be threatened, and sometimes, he will be unable to provide. I firmly believe that is why there are so many cases of men who are unable to provide for their households: whether they can't, or they won't, the fallen state of the world is working against them.

Meanwhile, when God cursed Eve, He cursed her childbearing (Genesis 3:16). Notice God did not curse her work as a helper which was, and still is, the reason she was created. I feel this means that as a woman, I am fully equipped with all I need to be my man's helper. And so are you, my sister.

You see, you are fully equipped to "support" your husband, regardless of whether he has abdicated his own role. I don't see that you can stop providing for the household. If you do, what will be your children's hope? It’s like a pilot deciding mid-flight that he will no longer fly the plane; the co-pilot has no choice but to take over. It's either that or the plane will crash, even the auto-pilot cannot land the plane! If your man has willingly abdicated his role as the man of the house, then you have no choice but to do all that is within your power to work and keep the garden, it is your calling. You are more than able, all you have to do is search deep down within yourself for the strength that our Father has deposited in you.

And while you are at it, please make an effort to deal with the resentment you feel towards your husband. Resentment  is more harmful for the resenter than the resentee (forgive me if there is no such word!). Resentment will poison your soul, take your eyes of your Saviour, and affect your children. Please ensure that you do not fall short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile you. (Hebrews 12:15). Give your man to God in prayer and ask for His help to deal with your resentment.

I have focused on you and not your husband  because you can only change you, you cannot change him. But as you work on yourself, by all means, speak with him, encourage him to rise up to his responsibilities. You may also consider asking a trusted male to speak with him without revealing that you initiated the approach - a respected friend, an older brother, a pastor. Thirdly, encourage his relationship with his Saviour...Jesus can open his eyes to see the error in his ways.

I am not insensitive to the plight of many women who are married to men who seem to take advantage of them. They are not prepared to fulfill their calling and expect their women to continue to provide. But I really do believe that women need to hang in there and draw on our Heavenly Father for strength to continue to fulfill our own calling to be helpers.

What do you think? What would you have said to this lady?

 

 

 

 

 

We have God in our Corner

I am writing my first blog today, my 13th wedding anniversary! God is so faithful!

I met Chidi while preparing for the first stage of a professional examination. On the first day of lectures, I had come to class rather early and was seated, all by my lonesome, watching as people strolled in. I don’t remember most of the people who walked in, but when he stepped into class, my first thought was, wow, that is one good looking guy! I will be honest, I thought he was fine! He was wearing a “coat” that was at least two sizes too big for him, but he was fine!

At that time, I had been born-again two years. I was on fire for the Lord and was not looking for any relationship. It’s not like I had been in many relationships before I became born again anyway, but once I gave my life to Christ, I decided I would stay away from relationships until I was ready to get married. I did not want to try men on for size, I did not want a hit-and-miss type relationship, I wanted to hit the bull’s-eye at my first attempt.

I did not actually get to meet him that first day, but when I did, I found he did not believe like I did. In fact, he was actually a bit of a rascal, but that’s a story for another day (if I ever get permission to tell! LOL!). However, we became friends and study buddies. Each time I made an attempt to preach to him, he would tell me how all pastors are psychologists, how they simply preyed on human emotion. He would tell me that people who claimed to flow in the prophetic gift “…there is someone here…” were simply applying the law of averages in situations, afterall, in a large group of people, there would be all kinds of needs represented, all kinds of people going through stuff. Once, he actually threatened bodily harm if I continued to badger him with my talk of giving his life to Christ! (Did I mention he was a rascal? LOL!)

I still remember the day we met in class and he told me, in a very somber mood, that he had been arrested. I was alarmed, my mind went to all manner of things he could have done to get himself arrested. Then he explained, he had given his life to Christ. I was first relieved, then exhilarated! He began to attend church and began to grown in faith (he is a Pastor today, who would have believed!). We remained friends, but believe me when I say my only interest in him was platonic. I even watched girls flutter round him (did I mention he is fine?) with mild disinterest. And then, one day, I felt I was ready for marriage, and I prayed, and I heard. I was surprised I heard because, it was my first time ever hearing God speak to me so distinctly – Chidiebere. And I was surprised because he had never said anything to me that could even be misinterpreted as interest. And so I prayed some more, and it was the same. Chidiebere.

Now, I teach people not to give God ultimatums because it doesn’t change who He is, instead, it limits us. But one day, I gave God an ultimatum. I said, Lord, if this is you, then I want a ring on my finger before the end of the year. I prayed this prayer in February. March, April, May, June, July, August, September and October all went by, and he did not so much as smile differently at me. Then in November, he asked me out on a date. I was not quite sure it was a date at first because we had gone out to eat together a number of times. But then he asked me to dress nice, so I figured it was a date. But was I being too hopeful? The year was almost gone and I needed to get on with my life if this was not going to work (my husband will tell you that one of the reasons he was not sure the marriage would work is that I’m too practical. There’s very little emotion present in these bones, people! LOL!). So, on our date, he fills in the gaps I had about his rascally past and then asks me if I would be interested in dating him (see who says I am not emotional!!!). I say yes, but in my mind, I’m thinking, this guy does not know his time is running out!

December rolls around and the days go by, one by one, by one, until it is the 31st and I’m thinking, I must not have heard God right. We go out to a restaurant, and at some point, he tells me he needs to get something from the car. I hold my breath, this is it! And he comes back with a camera! Can you believe that!! And the year keeps on rolling by, minute my minute, until it is a few minutes to midnight and I tune out his rambling. Honestly, I’m not listening. All I remember is a flash and there is a ring before my eyes. I may not be emotional, but I cried. I cried that this sweet, great looking, smart, articulate, God fearing man, who also happened to be a great friend, had just asked me to marry him. I cried because I realised that God not only turned up right on time, but He had been working behind the scenes for many months. I grabbed the ring and put it on my finger myself, I was just being practical! LOL!

One year later, Chidiebere and I vowed to be with each other, in sickness and in health, till death parts us. Has it been a bed of roses since then? Nope. Have there been times when we almost threw those vows under the bus? Yep. Have we always wanted to be with each other? Nope. Have the years taken their toll on our love and commitment to each other? Yep. But here we are, thirteen years later, still together, still best friends, still loving on each other, because we have God in our corner.