When he thinks he defines you...

This is an article I wrote for Woman Cry Out, a fantastic ministry that I am blessed to be a part of. It is written under the Sister to Sister column and so naturally is addressed to the ladies. Even if you are not a lady, please read on, maybe you know someone who needs to hear this...

Dealing with emotional abuse.

Domestic violence has become an issue in church now, shocking but true. Many women are suffering all manner of abuse within their marriages.  

Emotional (or verbal) abuse is said to be the most common form partly because there are no visible signs of the abuse. It manifests in many forms. Name-calling - continually calling a wife ‘stupid’ because a husband believes she is not as intelligent as he is, ‘clumsy’ because she is not coordinated, ‘dirty’, because she has challenges maintaining a spotless house, ‘ugly’ or ‘fat’ because she has gained weight, or even ‘worthless’. Ordering is another form of emotional abuse where a husband gives orders instead of making requests, thereby treating his wife like a slave or subordinate. A husband could also be accusing and blaming, constantly accusing his wife of some wrongdoing or breach of some agreement or finding her responsible for every misfortune to come his way. Threatening occurs when a husband manipulates his wife by bringing up her biggest fears, perhaps threatening to get a divorce.

Other more subtle forms of emotional abuse include withholding where a husband refuses to listen to his wife, withholds information and feelings; countering, where a wife is not allowed to have her own thoughts and her husband is constantly countering and correcting everything she says and does. Alternatively, he could allow her have her own thoughts, but judges and criticizes everything thereby expressing a lack of acceptance of her individuality. He could also block and divert, refusing to communicate, or insisting on solely establishing what can be discussed. He could also trivialise all her hopes, dreams, desires or achievements, making them appear insignificant. Emotional abuse may also involve consistently forgetting promises made.

Perhaps what makes emotional abuse so dangerous is denial. Sometimes abuse is disguised as jokes, but these ‘jokes’ are really designed to hurt and diminish self-worth. A typical emotionally abusive husband will insist that he is not abusive, after all, he is a good father, faithful husband, does not take alcohol or drugs, provides for his family, has never harmed his wife physically and is a firm believer in Jesus – possibly active in church, a worker, a minister, a pastor.

I have heard someone ask "Why would a husband treat his wife like that? She must be doing something to provoke it."

This is indicative of what many wives face. The society and even the church are quick to justify the abusive behavior you may be receiving. But I have to ask, my sister, are you doing anything to provoke your husband’s abusive behaviour? If you are, while it does not justify the abuse, by all means work on it. Perhaps you need to learn to speak more respectfully, or perhaps find the right time to bring up issues. Maybe you do not listen to his views so he feels compelled to shut you down when you attempt to express yours; maybe you need to lose a bit of weight...Ask God to show you what part you need to play in the recovery process.

Secondly, be assured of God’s love, His presence, and His willingness to sort you out. Psalm 34:18 tells us the LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Your self esteem and confidence may have suffered, but God is right there to pick you up.

Thirdly, realise that although part of your identity is being a wife, that is not all you are, it is not even your primary identification – even before you were your husband’s, you were (and still are, by His grace) God’s.

Fourth, you need to latch unto a biblical view of marriage. Marriage is a couple’s covenant with God to love and honour one another. Both men and women are called to submit to God first and then to each other (Eph. 5:21-33) - wives are to submit to their husbands and husbands are to submit to Christ. Submitting to Christ means that husbands do not have the authority to rule as they desire, no matter what the society expects or you have been taught! Submitting to Christ means that the ultimate authority in your household is Jesus. Yes you are to submit to your husband as the head of the home, but know that you are equal to him in dignity and deserve to be treated with love and respect. Do not let him define you by calling you names. Jesus has done that already. You are His Pearl of Great Price (Matthew 13:44-46). Do not let him cage you, belittle you or diminish your worth. Jesus is interested in you flourishing, standing graceful and tall and attaining your full potential (Psalm 92:12). Do not buy into a distorted view of marriage. Jesus places a high value on you - you are not worth any less than your husband.

Lastly, please note that you have to confront your abuser. Too many wives shy away from confrontation, forgetting that it is a biblical principle. Jesus taught this in Matthew 18:15-20. Where an abusive man is not held accountable, those around him become enablers, indirectly supporting him. Can you get your husband to read this article with you? Respectfully let him know the areas you have suffered emotionally all the while prayerfully asking God for wisdom and for words to speak. Depending on the outcome of your discussion, you may need to escalate by seeking help from a pastor or counsellor and perhaps other godly men and women who can lovingly confront him in an attempt to break through his denial and restore him with a spirit of gentleness (Galatians 6:1).

In closing, I need to sound a note of warning. Emotional abuse usually escalates, increasing in intensity, frequency, and variety, ultimately into physical abuse. You have to start the recovery process NOW...do not wait for things to get worse.

And always remember...the Lord is your strength.